| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|10:42 pm] |
i can't even think right now. my mind is all fuzzy. i wish i had some fucking ambien or trazadone, or something. maybe i should take some benedryll. tonight is just one of those nights where..sleep will prove to be impossible. i hate when i get into my head too much. its retarded. i hate thinking about things and over-analyzing. all i want to do is just cry right now. what the fuck is wrong with me? today on t.v. a guy got a call that his grandmother was dead. i honestly burst into tears. i can't even begin to put on paper any types of emotions i feel regarding my dying gram. i really can't. i mean does this make me weak? unstable? what the fuck does this make me. besides the obvious, a human being. i wish i had gone to the bar with kyle, nik, em...etc. not healthy, not okay...but to get my mind off of it would really help.
talked to matt on the phone. am i an irrational girlfriend? i don't know. i think i put my heart and soul into things. i hate being let down. i hate feeling unwanted. i wouldn't want to be smothered by any means. my boyfriend treats me beyond amazing. i think about things too much. if hes tired or wants to go to bed earlier than usual and cuts our phone call short...i feel like my heart wilts. this is pathetic. this entry is pathetic. jesse is going to rip on me for this.
maybe my emotions are just all fucked up due to things going on in my life. will i end up pushing people away because my emotions sometimes lead me on a fucking rollercoaster. god...writing in this thing after so long about shit i would have written about when i was 18. maybe i'm unchangeable. you see, some people have the ability to say.."i'm sorry. i love you." and move on. or just move on period, from an issue that is. i on the other hand dwell. and think. and think some more. i can't just turn my sadness into happiness in an instant. i wish i could.
bottom line. i know i'm stupid. i gotta stop being so stupid. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2009|12:59 pm] |
this weekend was eventful. at around 7 am matthew crawled into bed with me while i was sleeping on friday. he skipped school and came to visit me early which was awesome. he went to all my classes with me and then we had lunch in the dining hall. we went to see tell stories this weekend at dos amigos with nikki and then went to jakes for a bit, which was fun. saturday we made dinner and went to bed early because the next day we hiked mount morgan and did the loop. in all 5.5 miles up rock ledges and paths. they had ladders leaning against the rocks because it was so steep! i can't believe i actually did it but it was incredible and well worth it. i had a blast. it was really good to see morgan, jordan and biz. and i got to meet two new people to add to my lowell family. kelsie and andrew. they are also coming up this saturday to go portsmouth bar hopping with all of us new hampshire derry kids. exciting.
had a dream about max last night. he had a broken arm. and had put on weight, he looked sad and a desolate. it made me feel uneasy when i woke up.
in the library with rachel right now. i have a ton of work to do and very little time. so i better get off facebook and lj. i took a really hard biopsych test this morning and i'm proud to say i think i did fairly decently on it. i'm surprised. i have another on friday and three papers, better get cracking. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2009|04:22 pm] |
|
i hate that i only get to see my boyfriend on friday and saturday. i hate the schedule of it all. its depressing. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|10:45 am] |
this weekend was awesome.
friday night i hung out with matt. i made us grilled veggies, grilled scallops and lemon pepper chicken for dinner. nate ate with us too. we watched halloween and then went to kevins for his 21st birthday party. it was really fun. his parents had put out hot dogs and hamburgers and plates upon plates of food. delicious. his house is huge! we hung out there for awhile, played some beruit and then went home. saturday i went to the aquarium! it was so much fun. i saw two penguins having violent sex. bahaha. i also saw sharks, huge turtles and some pretty sweet looking coral. then we went home, ate dinner at this seafood place in boston and went to lowell. met up with rachel. lowell was great. it was so good seeing morgan and everyone. if i ever get depressed about floppy friends, people putting me down etc. i remember the four girls that have been with me since day one. kelsey, shauna, morgan and rach. and i remind myself i have a handful of good friends that actually mean something to me. that actually don't talk about me behind my back or make me feel like a bag of shit. this weekend was much needed and i'm so so so glad i left dover for it. sunday, i got to see owen! it was an amazing show. Rubik was phenomenal. a finland band with some catchy beats. i was into it. however, all of a sudden i felt horrific waves of anxiety being crammed into such a small space. so i had to sit in the back and listen to owen from there. so many people.
today i'm going applepicking with matt! im excited. tomorrow i'm woring a double at the thai restraunt and somehow explaining to my teachers that i forgot it was a monday schedule on a tuesday and how i will be unable to turn a very important paper in. whoops.
lately ive been feeling really angry at a lot of people around me. i think people are just mean. they don't think of other peoples feelings. it makes me sad when people i know, change. i dont know if i just see it and some people dont. but being mean, hurtful, talking about people behind their backs, wasting your time in stupid petty shit is just exhausting. i'm not perfect but i take other peoples feelings into consideration and i always, ALWAYS appreciate people. oh well. people grow up, regress, change...its part of life and something i'm just going to have to learn to deal with.
point being. this weekend was amazing. i was around really great people. saw some good music and felt loved, appreciated and happy. and THAT felt great :) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2009|01:20 pm] |
went to the library today with jess and erin. they make me laugh. trying to figure out a damn halloween costume. fuck, why is there so much pressure to be something good? had a good conversation with erin about everything. made me feel better. sara too. her kind words towards my grandmothers situation really made me feel better and like i had someone to talk to about it.
went home last night. it was refreshing to be around positive, good people. took kevin out for his 21st birthday, bought him a washington apple (ugh). hung out with paul, matt, matt, anna, scott, evan, kevin, mike and some others. kevins 21st birthday party this friday! then saturday going to lowell with matt, rachel, matt and anna to see morgan and crew. i'm very excited. especially since i'm spending the whole day with matt at the aquarium.
i hate the past. my past. other people's past. it makes me nauseous and disgusted to think of that shit. imagining someone else with my boyfriend is sickening. but its part of life and i'm not insane so its just something normal people have to do deal with. i just literally wish people didn't have bad pasts. just good ones. impossible though.
i feel sick. ate too much sushi for lunch, compliments of jess townsend. drinking some smart water, maybe this shit works. i got an a- on my first big psycho bio paper! so proud of myself. also turned in two more papers today. i'm on top of my game. literally terrified to get my exam from child development back though. its going to be awful.
tired. gotta wait for the bus now. later. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2009|11:16 pm] |
ive been feeling depressed lately. i dont think people get it. im sick of being picked on. some of you dont even realize that you are doing it. i'm sick of feeling like a third wheel. when i'm home in derry i never feel like that. or when i'm with rachel, or jess, or kelsey. im sick of not being appreciated and im sick of doing things and not having them done in return.
ive been really upset lately about my grandmother. for those of you who have suffered through a loved one with alzheimers, you know how difficult it is. sometimes i think people just dont understand. ive gotten some insensitive comments about it and i just dont get it. everytime i talk to her i wind up in tears. my mom is breaking down and its killing me. legit killing me. i cant even imagine losing her or my grandfather but its something that i have to face. she can barely talk anymore because her body is "forgetting" how to use her vocal chords. shes weak and frail and nothing like the gram i had even a year ago. i miss her so much.
i wish people would take into consideration that things might be going on in my life before they rag on me. or make jokes even in jest. its hurtful. i'm not in the right state of mind. yelling at me with two other people even as a joke is just overwhelming and something im not able to deal with right now.
i had a really great night tonight at rachels with rachel and jess. i feel like myself when im with them. we got pizza, dyed our hair and watched tv. when im not with my friends, i'm in my room, at school or working. my life is typical and routine. i look forward to the weekends where i feel like myself. i miss my boyfriend a lot, but learning to become as independent as ive been lately is a rewarding feeling. it is also refreshing to get positive reinforcement from my friends that see it. ive grown up so much from even last year and become so much more comfortable in my own skin. for my friends to recognize that and let me know how happy they are for me makes me feel really good.
friday i'm spending with matt in derry. saturday day matt and i will go to the aquarium, out to eat and spend the day in boston! saturday night i'm going to lowell with matt, matt, anna and rachel to visit morgan, biz, katie, vicky and all the other lowell buddies. i cant wait to get away from dover. sunday will be spent with my parents and its going to be great. monday, a couple more hours with matt hopefully then back to school....
i'm tired. this is a long entry. my brain is cluttered and ive had heavy thoughts in my heart and my head. i had to get some of them down somehow. goodnight. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2009|09:32 am] |
i think i'm going crazy. i really am.
i feel so cut off from the world right now. from everyone.
i had a dream i could fly last night. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2009|01:27 am] |
just had a really good talk with nikki. i am a people pleaser, a pushover. i've grown up so much since the past couple of years. my fingers are cold.
just had an all out text war with max, that ended in...difficulty/sadness. i came downstairs and cried a little with maura and nikki. its getting easier to deal with every day though. its hard but part of life. i wish i didnt have max's number memorized so i wasn't tempted to respond with harsh and angry things. fuck. being placed right back into this town and school makes it that much harder for me. i should delete my facebook/twitter. the interweb is dumb. i care too much about social networking and whats going on in everyone else's lives. gay.
i'm sick. eric made me homemade asian style chicken veggie soup. we curled up in giant blankets (including anna) and watched taken and i love you man. asian anything creeps me out. i ate a giant hunk of ginger thinking it was a potat. it wasn't. eric informed me touching an asians head is the highest form of disrespect in the buddhist religion. yikes.
god bless benedrylls. i couldn't sleep without them tonight i can tell you that much. too much stuff to think about. not really good or bad.
lately i have been having big urges to get married and settle down. and have asian babies with some lucky white man. just jump into the life everyone is supposed to live at some point. then i thought to hell with that. i want to join americorps, nikki and i talked about that tonight. id probably just get pissed off all the time being married and a parent anyways.
livejournal, you never fail me. i know i can always come to you to talk about useless information that nobody gives a fuck about. but now i can go to bed. night. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|03:47 pm] |
lets see, lets see.
working tonight at victorian park. gross.
its muggy out and i hate it. i hate humidity. and i'm so ready for the winter so i can go skiing and learn how to snowboard. also, for cuddling in warm beds and red noses. i love the winter.
yesterday i had an anxiety attack. i haven't had one in a very long time. i almost had to pull over because it just struck me in the car. i did my deep breathing. took my medication and did all the correct things that i have been taught to do. my entire body was numb and i was crying purely out of frustration and anger. matt drove across derry and came upstairs to see me sitting like christopher reeves, paralyzed against my bed. he told me jokes and tried to cheer me up. i was fine and i did everything correctly. i'm proud of myself. proud that i can handle it now. still so furiously angry though, that it even happens.
we so inglourious basterds yesterday. i highly recommend it. it was awesome. we also got wraps and salads for lunch at tjs. pretty tasty.
i hung out with amy the other day and got my hair done. also, pedicures with steph and meredith. i got to see ryan and vicky at panera and we had a nice little chat for awhile. it was good to catch up. hopefully seeing morgan on tuesday for bluegrass! oh! and school starts soon which is exciting/scary. i can't wait to jump back into routine. i'm terrified of missing my boyfriend and only seeing him once a week. BUT also extremely grateful for the oppurtunity to work on myself, be independent, focus on school and just be a healthy individual maintaining a relationship with someone who is out in the real world. i know i can do it.
i am tired and the last thing i want to do is work. goodbye. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|12:22 am] |
sitting here waiting for my benedrylls to kick in. had an eventful day, i guess. hung out with matthew...got la careta. hung out with my grandparents. went to work. got bomb ass japanese food for lunch. we spent 108 dollars today on takeout. worked with some good people at victorian park. visited matthew after work and brought him icecream and my asian self to cheer him up. :) now i'm laying here on the couch waiting to feel sleepy so i can go to bed.
i don't understand why people come in and out of your life like they do. someone you were interested in THREE years ago suddenly wants to be your boyfriend? wants to take you on dates and treat you well? i don't understand. i am happy. happier than i have been in a long time. i don't need this other baggage weighing me down. it shouldn't have to be part of me anymore.
i committed myself to vp for the month of september on the weekends. i don't know why i did it and i instantly regret it. i don't want to work with the people i'll have to see constantly and i don't want to commute to dover. its a pain. especially since my car might potentially blow up any second i actually drive it.
relationships are scary. you become involved. find out so much about a person that you feel as if you knew them all your life. but everything always ends at some point. someone always ends up getting hurt and having to move on. i've been lucky i guess in the sense where i've basically always ended my relationships. but now delving into another makes me scared that i'm putting myself out there to get hurt. i guess thats the risk anyone ever takes with wanting to try something, wanting to be with someone they really have feelings for. i'm really happy. i haven't felt truly happy and content with myself in a long time. i'm finally seeing someone that knows mostly everything about my past and me. someone who doesn't mind my crazy ways but someone who appreciates all the things i do for them. someone who respects and see's that i have in fact changed and for the better. i don't know. i'm just babbling at this point. relationships are just chances. chances of getting hurt. chances of finding that one person. chances of being cheated on, lied too. chances of sadness...anger but also happiness. its a risk i suppose that i am willing to take for this person. i guess that in itself scares the hell out of me.
does anyone even read this bullshit anymore? i like livejournal because when i type in here i can get all my thoughts down. thoughts that would be annoying and take awhile to write down. i am happy. i hope this lasts. this feeling of happiness and a pure relationship that starts off on all the perfect ways. how did i get so horrible off topic? goodnight. i'm crazy. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2009|11:59 pm] |
haven't updated this journal in a long, long time. lets see...whats different? i got another tattoo with some money i saved up. i got a dia de los muertos skull on my back. it hurt really bad, worth every penny. it came out much bigger than i anticipated but i still like it a lot. i have to go back at some point to get the rest of it finished.
went to bluegrass last night. matthew and i have been making it a habitual thing to go every tuesday. but since he's becoming a real adult and working in a highschool as a teacher, i will have to go alone now :( speaking of that....dating matt now. its been really good. we've been friends for awhile and it's been refreshing, fun and non-stressful. the way i suppose a relationship should be, i haven't felt like this in a while. i am happy. content.
seeing him once a week if that scares me. badly. but at the same time i know i have it in me to maintain this and make it work. being alone is terrifying but at the same time i am excited to start on this new chapter of my life. i feel as if i will focus more on school and myself, which makes me happy.
ive been reading my way through the summer. i think i've read almost 100 books..actually i have no clue. but i finished two today. jodi piccoult has been keeping me really interested lately. if you haven't read her i suggest you do. the tenth circle, picture perfect and nineteen minutes are tear jerkers. she writes in such an intense way you really can't put it down.
aright, working a lot and i'm tired. just wanted to give this a small update since i have been neglecting it. not writing this to inform the world but mostly so in a couple years when i re-read it (which i know i will) i will have these memories. goodnight. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2009|02:31 pm] |
in the library with nikki.
just had lunch at nici's place. cabbage soup and steaks. so delicious. last night was fun. went to peter and ryan laboss's, they had a dance party. took a shot of whiskey that made me want to die. yuck. went to tke after to meet up with everyone. it was fun.
going to my nana's tonight. i couldn't be happier really. i need a break and its going to be great to have a humongous home cooked meal. spiral ham and tons of good vegetables and fresh homemade rolls.
i can't wait to move into our new apartment soon. i am excited. nervous but super excited. i hope it works out well! the lease starts in june. its gorgeous with high ceilings and wood floors through out the whole house.
a gigantic mongolian was over my shoulder next to me and nikki giggling about my livejournal post. hahahahaha. i seriously couldn't stop laughing. what the fuck?
palms are sweaty. later. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2009|02:44 pm] |
whine whine whine. jeez!
going to see xmen tonight with max! he said he'd treat me if i get all my studying done early! i am supposedly catering right now. but i snuck away to the kingsbury library and am on twitter, facebook and livejournal. oh well. i should head back in a little bit before people start wondering where i am. hahaha.
spent the weekend at victorian park. working. hung out with all my friend friday night, didn't go home til 4:30 am. woke up, went to vp again. hung out with amy and logan at work. sara, danny p and steve came and mini golfed and got frappes, from me...on da' house.
this week is so busy. i'm working a ton. as i have been for the last couple of weeks. going to visit my nana this weekend and working all week. i have to sign in my american sign language class "what a wonderful world" by louis armstrong. i look like a fool when i do it. oh well.
i need monies. real bad. any get rich fast schemes? come on guys, help me out! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2009|12:25 pm] |
|
the last few days have been very stressful. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2009|09:30 am] |
|
i've slept for three hours. nikki is laying next to me. i can't sleep. my mind wont shut off. my stomach hurts. i'm scared of something. i don't know what it is yet. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2009|04:17 pm] |
check out my new user picture. HA
p.s. ITS NOT ME |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2009|01:04 pm] |
i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. i toss and turn and wake up literally drenched in sweat.
this weekend is going to be fun. i'm going to the hockey game with kelsey and max and nici. afterwards i'm going to the nixstahs to hang out with carlene, angela, nico and all those girls. haha. it should be fun. maybe seeing erin that night too. she called me but my weekend is packed. saturday i'm working all day and then maybe driving home so i can party for a night with the derry kids. i miss them. thursday is the usual wine and millionaire matchmaker/cracker and cheese night. today i'm meeting up with jess for coffee and lunch then back here to get some studying done. maybe clean my house. i really want to get drunk soon.
i woke up this morning with horrible cramps and black blood from my period. is black blood normal? no joke, it's literally black. fucking weird. i can't wait to get back on birth control for this month. i hate cramps and no birth control makes me feel bloated and gross. wearing overnight pads with wings makes me feel like a 2 year old baby wearing a diaper.
the dining hall has been really disappointing me lately. i went there yesterday for lunch with nikki and didn't find anything i liked. then i had dinner with caitlyn, nici, kelsey and max and had a small salad and a peice of plain chicken. ugh.
bored. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|01:03 pm] |
going christmas shopping soon.
blew my first snot rocket in the shower today.
anna and max are fighting about anna's inability to blow her nose.
my fishstick is cold because anna took it out of the oven to early.
i'm in a terrible mood.
i don't want to spend money and anthony bourdain rules. i'm watching his show right now. it makes me want to eat good food, be addicted to heroin and smoke more cigarettes than i already do. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2008|04:27 pm] |
|
happy birthday liz, rest in peace. still miss you. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
emma_asian's journal